Spoilers: "Ellie"

Disclaimer: Not mine. Aaron's. Which is best for all concerned, no doubt.

Archive: Just keep my name on it and tell me where it is.

Thanks: As usual, to Ryo, without whom, etc. Also to Rhonda, with whom I
was having the discussion of screwball comedy and "The West Wing" a few days
ago. Also to my mother, who had the good sense to raise me on John Garfield
movies and the even better sense to marry a man who looked like John Garfield.

Note: The following is what happens when you have a low-grade fever, a few
hours on your hands and a post-graduate degree in film. And they said
graduate school would never pay off!


"Donna, you're going to the movies with me tonight."

"I don't think so, Josh."

"What? You have other plans?"

"Yes. Washing my hair and taking a bubble bath."

"Well, as much as I would enjoy joining you--"

"Joshua!"

"What?"

"You don't find that remark inappropriate for the workplace?"

"It would be appropriate if we were somewhere else?"

"No. I'm just saying it's especially inappropriate in the workplace."

"Hey, you're the one who brought up the subject of your bathing habits."

"I'm going home now, Josh."

"No, you're going to the movies with me."

"I've just spent ten hours with you. I'm not spending my free time--"

"What free time? This is work."

"Going to the movies is work?"

"Yes. It's that thing the president is screening tonight."

"Dial M For Murder. Directed by Alfred Hitchcock. Starring Grace Kelly and
Ray Milland. 1953."

"You have a freakish turn of mind."

"I remember details well. And I've seen Dial M For Murder. It's one of
Hitchcock's lesser works."

"As opposed to?"

"Hitchcock's masterpieces. You know, Psycho, Vertigo, Rear Window. I'm
partial to Notorious and Strangers on a Train myself, though the latter is
seriously flawed by the casting of Ruth Roman as the love interest. Although
it could be argued that, given the homoerotic nature of the subtext--"

"You took a film course in college, didn't you?"

"Three, actually. It fit into my drama minor nicely."

"So why is it a lesser work?"

"Strangers on a Train?"

"No, the thing we're watching with the president tonight."

"I'm not."

"You are. We have to wait around for the Surgeon General to either resign or
be fired. And if I have to suffer through Hitchcock's minor work, so do you."

"You don't, you know. You see this object attached to your belt?"

"Donna!"

"That was your fault. That was *entirely* your fault. You cannot blame that
on me!"

"You groped me!"

"I was reaching for your pager. You moved. You deliberately moved. It's
not my fault if my hand sort of slipped. And the point I was trying to make
was that you have your pager. You don't have to go to the movies with the
president. You can sit in your office and read briefing memos to your
heart's content."

"While you take a bubble bath."

"Why are you fixated on that?"

"I'm not fixated. I'm just--Why is this a lesser work?"

"Among other things, it's too stagy. It's adapted from a play, and Hitchcock
fails to open it up completely for the cinema. Plus it was filmed in 3D, and
since it's never screened in that format, Hitchcock's intention to use the
technology to place the audience inside the murder scene never comes off."

"Hitchcock made a movie in 3D? Alfred Hitchcock?"

"That's what I just said. He was in love with the technical aspects of
cinema. He enjoyed experimenting with things like that."

"But wasn't 3D for things like, I don't know, Creature From the Black Lagoon?"

"It was new technology. Who's to say it couldn't have been legitimized?
Who's to say we might not all have been going to the movies with our little
3D glasses as a matter of course?"

"Common sense?"

"Well, sure, you say that now, but in 1953--"

"See? You need to go to this movie with me, so you can explain all these
bizarre trivia things to me and keep me from falling asleep in the middle of
the picture."

"I just explained the trivia, and I am highly conflicted over Hitchcock
anyway."

"You're highly conflicted over Hitchcock? What does that mean?"

"It means I'm blonde. Have you ever watched a Hitchcock movie?"

"Of course."

"Name two. Describe the female stars."

"Psycho. Janet Leigh. Rear Window. Grace Kelly."

"And what happened to them?"

"Janet Leigh got stabbed in the shower. Grace Kelly ended up with Jimmy
Stewart."

"After being terrorized by Raymond Burr, who had murdered his wife, who was
also blonde."

"She was terrorized by Perry Mason?"

"Pay attention, Josh. My point is that Hitchcock films almost always feature
a particular type of woman, commonly referred to as the Hitchcock blonde.
Not only is she blonde, she's a willowy, pale-skinned blonde."

"Over-identifying there, Donnatella?"

"I'm stating a trend that has been noted by literally hundreds of film
critics. And Hitchcock absolutely delights in torturing these women. Wait
till you see Dial M. The attempted murder of Grace Kelly's character is a
prime example of what happens to blondes in Hitchcock movies."

"I can see where you wouldn't be a fan."

"Thank you for understanding. Can I go home?"

"As soon as the movie's over."

"Sadist."

"Hitchcock blonde. Besides, I thought you liked film noir."

"Oh, give me a break! This is not film noir."

"But it's Hitchcock."

"Very few, if any, Hitchcock films can truly be considered noir. First of
all, although both Hitchcock and the noir movement were influenced by German
expressionism, Hitchcock does not always exhibit an interest in many of the
central themes of noir, such as the corruption of the city. He rarely uses
noir conventions such as the extended voiceover. And many Hitchcock films
are in glorious technicolor."

"So?"

"If you understood French, which I also minored in, you would know that film
noir literally translates as 'black film.' Film noir is characterized by its
use of black-and-white cinematography. Purists would maintain that a film in
technicolor cannot legitimately claim noir status. In fact, a more
appropriate name for the many contemporary technicolor films which show a
noir influence would be neo-noir. At any rate, Hitchcock's films are
generally not discussed with the classic noir such as Double Indemnity or The
Postman Always Rings Twice. Which is my personal favorite. I adore John
Garfield."

"John Garfield?"

"John Garfield. One of the definitive noir protagonists. Also a very sexy
man."

"And what made him so sexy?"

"I don't know. He was--he just sort of took over the scene whenever he was
on. He had these sort of dark, brooding good looks. And he always played
these characters who were too cocky and ambitious for their own good. And he
usually had this very sarcastic sense of humor. Plus there was the way he
walked."

"The way he walked?"

"Yes. He sort of, I don't know, he sort of swaggered."

"God, I hate guys like that... Donna, what's so funny? Quit laughing."

"Sorry."

"So John Garfield was in a lot of film noirs?"

"Films noir, Josh. Get it right. It's French."

"And you like *films* noir?"

"It's my second favorite genre."

"What's first?"

"Screwball comedy."

"What's the big deal about screwball comedy?"

"People talk very fast, and they say lots of witty things. They're in
constant motion, and the women often have just as much power as the men.
Actually, in your better screwball comedies, the women are often smarter than
the men."

"John Garfield do a lot of screwball comedy?"

"Sadly, he didn't do any. For screwball comedy, you want Cary Grant."

"I really don't."

"One of these days, Josh, you should actually watch Bringing Up Baby. Or
maybe His Girl Friday. You'd like His Girl Friday. There's a little bit of
political scandal in that one."

"I thought it was about newspapers."

"Yes, but Rosalind Russell is reporting on why the governor won't grant a
reprieve to a condemned murderer."

"And that's supposed to be funny?"

"It's just a way to get into the relationship between Russell and Cary Grant.
See, he's her ex-husband and her editor--"

"She works for him?"

"That's what I just said."

"You find this romantic?"

"Of course I do. It's Cary Grant."

"Okay, so she's in love with her boss. Then what happens?"

"She's going to quit so she can marry Ralph Bellamy, who anyone can see is
wrong for her. So Cary Grant tricks her into covering one last story."

"The condemned murderer thing?"

"Right. And in the course of a lot of stuff happening, she ends up spending
quite a bit of time with Cary Grant and of course she realizes that she was
in love with him all along."

"She was in love with her boss all along?"

"That's what I said. Would you pay attention?"

"Okay. Then what happens?"

"She ends up with Cary Grant, of course."

"Because he's her boss?"

"Why are you fixated on that? Because he's Cary Grant, and he's sexy and
witty and she loves working with--Okay, because he's her boss. Although he's
a terrible boss. He's demanding and arrogant and he has absolutely no
scruples. On the other hand, he banters well."

"The local gomer she was going to marry can't banter?"

"No, he can't."

"No one should go through life without good banter."

"Exactly. Which is why I love screwball comedy. Lots of banter."

"But no John Garfield?"

"True. But that's probably just as well. Who needs some cocky, ambitious,
dark-haired, swaggering man complicating your life anyway?"

"I'll share my popcorn with you."

"What?"

"Come with me to the movie, and I'll share my popcorn with you."

"I have a life outside this office, Josh."

"You really don't."

"I could have."

"You can lecture me all through the movie about why Hitchcock is mean to
alabaster-skinned blondes."

"If I have to."

"Good."

"You know what else is interesting about His Girl Friday? Every time Rosalind
Russell thinks she's getting out of that office, Cary Grant comes up with
some flimsy excuse to make her stay. She's a smart woman, and yet she falls
for it every time."

"After the movie, we should probably come back here and work on the VAWA2
research."

"Yeah, you're right. We really should."

"Shouldn't take more than a couple of hours."

"And we can still make the six o'clock train to Albany."

"Huh?"

"Just watch His Girl Friday, Josh. It will all sense then."

THE END