AUTHOR: L.N. Lockhart AKA Lin

DATE: January 2, 2001

DISCLAIMER: The West Wing belongs to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, et. al. All My Children belongs to Agnes Nixon, ABC, Disney, et. al. No copyright infringement intended.

FEEDBACK: I don't know if it really matters. This really is just fluff. But if you wanna, I won't quibble.

SUMMARY: Everyone needs a break once in a while.

ARCHIVE: Would you let me know? I don't mind really. I just want to visit it.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I watched the Crystal Ball on AMC today and I could just 'see' the West Wingers react to the storylines. This is really just meant to be silly and sweet. So please don't nitpick about 'they could never take an hour off just to watch a soap'. It's a story, not a bible to the White House rules. LOL. This is actually based on the numerous occasions I have had to explain a soap to someone. And if you watch soaps, you know, there really isn't a good way to explain unless you have a couple of hours (or days!) to go through everything. Just a look into the psychosis of soap fans. AMC rules!!!!
AUTHOR'S NOTE #2: Dedicated to Christy, my GH soap author buddy. Thanks for Believe and Memories and all of the other great stories you write! You make me wanna write more! And to all the GH authors who inspire us at SZ daily, from Megs and Tania to Christa and Mandy. You guys totally rock!

Soap Suds
by Lin

"Donna where are you?!" Josh Lyman walked around the Communications Bullpen, hoping to sight his absent assistant. He passed CJ's office, wanting to talk about the commerce bill, when he stumbled onto a small surprise.

Every assistant of the Senior Staff, plus CJ, was huddled around a TV, food on their laps, eyes glued on the television set.

"Donna? Didn't you hear me? I needed you," Josh whined.

Donna took one look at her boss' pitiful face and said:

"Josh, shush. All My Children is on."

"All My what? Hey this is the White House! We're supposed to be working here."

"Guess what Josh? This is lunch. As in a break where we eat food. I spent the last week working through lunch. Today, I want just an hour to myself."

"The TV?" Josh smirked.

"Shhh!!!" Every woman in the room glared at Josh.

"Fine." He plopped down on the couch between CJ and Donna. "You can do work in between commercials." He took stock of all the women, intently watching what appeared to be a huge ball. "What's going on?"

Donna smirked. "Why? Are you interested Joshua?"

"Fine then, don't tell me." He pouted.

CJ sighed. He had crashed their party, she might as well keep him quiet but explaining what was going on would take the next couple of hours.

"It's called the Crystal Ball. They put it on every year at Wildwind on New Years to commemorate Edmund's wife, Maria, and to raise
money."

"For?"

"For the love of! I don't remember! Just be quiet. Ooo! Look at Erica. I love that dress."

"I feel kind of sorry for her. She really just doesn't know what to do now that Bianca has told her she's gay." Ginger commented.

"Susan Lucci is gay?"

Donna smacked him upside the head. "No you dope, her daughter is. And by the way, not Susan Lucci, Erica's daughter." She turned to Carol. "Isn't it nice she and Dimitri are still close after everything?"

Bonnie nodded. "I know. It's just so sweet. I mean, I know they weren't going to stay together, but it still was so sad that they broke up. All because of their children!"

Josh looked at everyone else, the confusion showing on his face. CJ rolled her eyes. "Do you really want to know?"

Josh nodded. "Fine we'll do it at the next commercial break."

"Oh look, there's Laura with Raine. Wait til Bianca sees them."

"I can't believe Greenlee had the nerve to show up at the Crystal Ball."

Josh couldn't take it anymore. "What are you talking about! First it's the Crystal Ball, then something about Bianca or Erica or somebody is gay, and now we add two girls named Laura and Raine to the list, and finally someone is actually named Greenlee?!"

Everyone in the room froze at Josh's outburst. Forks were stopped in mid-air.

"Sorry everyone. It's just---"

Donna smiled reassuringly and patted him on the arm. "That's OK Josh, everyone feels that way at the beginning." Her eyes held a knowing glint. Josh shuddered at the way she said 'the beginning'.

CJ looked around. "OK, commercial break. Maybe we should try and hurry with the explanations because I have no intention of missing David and Dixie on the turret."

"CJ you just said turret. Aren't those on castles?" Josh asked, puzzled.

CJ nodded, not understanding why saying turret was strange. "Yes, Wildwind is a castle."

Josh groaned.

"Ok, Crystal Ball, Maria, she's dead. Well not really, but everyone thinks she is. She was married to Edmund and this is the way he honors her memory. They have two children together. Though there was a big stink about Maddie. Not to mention Baby Sam. They didn't know if she was Edmund's or Dimitri's and then---" CJ saw Carol shaking her head to stop. They knew you could only tell the stories a piece at a
time."

"Ok, Bianca told Erica, her mother that she was gay on Christmas Eve. Now Erica is trying to blame everyone for her daughter's sexual orientation."

Margaret rolled her eyes. "That is so Erica. She makes everything about her. Just like when Maddie was born and she kidnapped her."

"Margaret!" Bonnie hissed.

"Oops, sorry Josh! The show's back on. Just listen. Most people get it pretty easily."

Josh looked around the room to find them all staring at the TV silently, barely looking down at the food they were putting in their mouths.

'Can it be this good? Maybe I'll just try a little bit.'

Bonnie squealed. "Aren't Ryan and Gillian the cutest couple?" They all nodded but CJ spoke up.

"David and Dixie. I want to see them together."

Margaret draped a comforting arm around CJ's shoulders. "Don't worry. I checked the spoilers at SoapZone last week and they said they were taping the love scene in December to be shown this month. Believe me, we've all been waiting a long time for this."

"Uh, SoapZone?"

"Josh, try not to ask so many questions," Ginger shushed him. "SoapZone is a popular site for soap addi--uh, fans to find out the latest news. It actually started out as PCO--Port Charles Online, a site for General Hospital, but it was changed late 1999 into SZ."

"Hey did you check out Christy's latest story?"

"Guys! Please. I'm trying to watch D&D here." They all quieted as Carol spoke.

"Hey Josh where are you?" A voice came from outside the office.

The group groaned.

Cathy said through clinched teeth, "Could everyone please shut up so I can finish watching?"

Sam flinched as he heard his assistant speak. Josh got up and walked Sam into the hallway.

"Hey."

"What's going on in there?"

"I was looking for Donna when I found the secret society meeting of the soap fanatics."

"I heard that!!" came from the office.

"You're watching soaps?"

Josh looked down. "I'm not watching them. I thought I'd just sit and look for a little while."

They both looked into CJ's office when they heard a collective boo.

"What the hell?"

"Mateo just interrupted David and Dixie. Do I look like I care about Hayley? For the love of all that's good and holy, why in the hell did you have to interrupt them? David was just going to profess his love for her!" CJ yelled at the screen.

"CJ?" Sam appeared a bit lost at how to approach the angry Press Secretary.

"What?" She snapped.

"Uh, nothing. I'm going to just sit down." He looked back at Josh but Josh was back on the couch, staring at the screen.

"Come on David. Follow her." Cathy whispered.

Bonnie groaned. "Why in the world do they insist on taking up airtime with the death of Arlene Vaughn. She was such a bitch. Who cares if her daughter killed her? If I was there, I'd take Hayley by the arm and tell her to wake and smell the coffee. The world is a much better place without Arlene."

"Just imagine if we got rid of Vanessa. I could watch this show everyday."

All the women laughed. Sam just looked at Josh, puzzled (and a bit frightened) by the viciousness of the women they worked with daily.

Josh shook his head knowingly. 'Commercial break,' he mouthed out.

"You go Erica! Tell that bitch she ain't sh--!"

"Bonnie!" The collective voices rose.

Sam stared at Josh, growing uncomfortable as the minutes ticked by slowly. They were all starting to freak him out.

Suddenly CJ announced, "If anyone in this room so much as breathes loud, I will hunt you down and hurt you. Do you get me?" They all nodded slowly, not willing to incur CJ's wrath.

"Awww! Yes! Yes!!!" The office was filled with cheers as David kissed Dixie on the lips. Josh and Sam both looked a little frightened. And trapped. Collective sighs could be heard coming from every woman's mouth. Work outside the office ceased momentarily, as they gauged the outburst coming from the Press Secretary's office.

"Thank you Lord. I have been waiting for this day since--," Margaret faltered. "Well since yesterday. That kiss was hot too!"

Josh and Sam groaned as everyone began to chatter about David and Dixie's latest kiss.

"Hey guys! Wanna explain this to us lesser individuals?"

"First of all Josh--never mind. D&D is the hottest thing going since Tad and Dixie got back together." Donna explained.

"You mean as in this Dixie?" Sam replied.

"Yeah."

"It doesn't look like they're going to be together too much longer!" Sam and Josh laughed at the obvious outcome, but they stopped as they noticed the angry looks they were receiving.

"First of all Sam," Cathy emphasized his name. "We all love Tad and Dixie here. They are the best soap couple of all time."

"But, but--," Josh sputtered. "I mean you guys were just cheering for David and Dixie and now you're defending Tad and Dixie. How twisted are you people?" The words died on his lips as the women began to drool and growl at his callousness.

"Josh." He looked at Sam who just shook his head. 'Be quiet.'

CJ finally explained the ambivalent feelings of the group. "T&D are great. It's just they need some kind of boost in their relationship. And D&D smoke."

"Smoke?" Sam asked.

He received a death glare from Cathy.

"And in any case, Tad has cheated on Dixie God knows how many times. It's her turn!"

"Yeah!" The women shouted in agreement.

"Ohhh," Josh could feel a headache coming on.

"Do you think they'll make love today?" Ginger asked the group.

CJ looked at her clock. "Not unless they do it in a montage scene. It's 1:45 already." She stared at Josh and Sam who were gaping at her knowledge of soaps. She shrugged. "Whenever soaps do love scenes, they do it one of two ways. The popular way under the sheets with the couple talking in the next scene with the lighted candles." The group nodded knowingly. "Or they do it in a montage of scenes with music in the background right at the end of the show. Today isn't a montage day. It's going to continue."

"Especially since that bitch Greenlee just told that tabloid reporter that Bianca's gay. They really need to kill her off." Bonnie piped up.

"Not as long as Leo stays away from her from now on." Margaret replied.

"Hey I don't want him going to Laura either. She just gets on my nerves." Ginger contributed.

Josh and Sam could feel themselves sinking in their seats as a fight ensued about the worthiness of a GreenLeo matching versus a Leora."

"Hey D&D's back."

". . .we're drawn to each other. We want one another. You can't stop what's happening here Dixie. You can't fight it with words. This is real. This is real as the moon pulling the tide. This is as real as the sound of our hearts beating. If you need to say anything, just say that you surrender."

Sam and Josh rolled their eyes at the sappy words David was feeding Dixie. "Oh my God. Don't tell me you like this sort of stuff."

The death glares found there way towards him once again. He faltered. "I mean, women don't really like that stuff. Do they?" He looked back at Sam for backup. Sam held his hands up in mock-surrender.

"I'll have you know Joshua," Donna began icily. "That was a beautiful speech."

"But you guys have to know all he does is want to sleep with her."

"We want him to!" came from every woman's lips in the room.

"What is all this yelling I here?" Toby's low voice boomed throughout the room.

"Hi Toby," CJ answered.

"Does no one have any work to do?"

"Yeah of course we do Toby," Josh spoke up, "but it seems as if the psycho fans over there," he pointed at the women, "wanted to have a little break."

"Hey we only have five minutes left," CJ protested, her eyes fastened to the screen.

"Did you just hear that? He said he has never needed any woman like he needs her?" Donna squealed.

Josh, Sam, and Toby stared down at the enraptured women, in various states of awe, watching the tv screen.

"Please Tad. Don't find them in the turret. Please don't." Cathy whispered.

And the soap played on.

As the final scene blanked out, every woman looked up enraged. "I can't believe this! I'll kill her with my bare hands."

"Whoa Nelly!" Margaret said, holding back Bonnie.

Sam looked confused. "What just happened?"

"Didn't you hear? That tabloid reporter just confronted Erica and Bianca." Margaret practically wailed.

"About what?"

"Bianca's being gay." CJ explained matter-of-factly.

"Erica's involved with a lesbian?"

"No you idiot. Bianca is Erica's daughter." All the women glanced at each other, warily eyeing the morons who had inhabited CJ's office with them.

"And this is big because?" Sam inquired.

"Because if you were Erica Kane's daughter, you're hot news in Pine Valley, USA. Erica thinks Bianca's sexual orientation is an episode, an act of rebellion. She will be embarrassed, at least in her mind, that her daughter isn't living up to the family name." Toby explained.

Every mouth in the room dropped.

"What?" He asked.

"He's right." CJ said.

"Come on people. We have a country to run." Everyone gathered up their things. Sam could hear Cathy whisper to Bonnie and Ginger:

"I hate that we're missing Passions."

"Don't worry," Ginger replied. "I set my VCR this morning. I needed to find out if Rebecca was going to find the proof that Ethan wasn't Julian's son."

"Do you think--?" Their voices were cut off as they moved out of earshot.

Sam shook his head, slightly mesmerized that anyone could memorize facts about a soap. 'I mean, a soap is just a show. All fluff and romance. Nothing much to it.'

"CJ, I thought you were going to explain what was going on?" Josh whined.

Donna caught him by the arm and dragged him out of the door. "Don't worry CJ, I'll tell him everything.

CJ smiled, happy to bring everyone together for a small break.

THE END.